Lonely

How is to be lonely?
How is to be just you?

I'm an only child. I really am not, I have a brother, but he does not live with me, so I'm an only child.
 Yesterday I went out. I don't usualy do that (but I'm not fat or anything haha). But I really needed to ran away, go somewhere were there's nobody, just me.
And while I was walking, I was toalking to myself and thinking why. Thinking that I don't have any friend with whom I could talk about my life outside uor "friend world". For me that is really hard. I am closed person. I just want everyone to be happy, I don't want to botgher them with my problems or anything, but sometimes something just fall out from me, randomly. And then I start thinking about what I just said and how did people feel about that. So for me that is really hard.

AND I THINK THAT I THINK TOO MUCH!

I have friends and they are pretty much open to me and to others, I have no idea how can they be like that. And sometimes that is just great, I mean you can say whatever you want like: I'm cutting my self. I would never tell that to anybody. I would be ashamed of that, and I know that this is not right, but... I just could not. I would have to have a magical friend to talk about this stuff to him/her. And I honestly respect those people which can talk and talk about them selfs; I do that with myself, I am talking to my self; I am talking to myself too much! I hate that about my self, 'cuz I can't open to anyone and tell her/him what is going on in my life; Like I can't stand to look at her, or That b**** is so f- lazy and not greatful that I could kill my self when she does those thinks, I mean people I could not say that to anyone (I just did, but that's not the point) and ruined their moment (I hope that I didn't ruined yours-sorry for that :/ ), I mean I like to help when somebody tells those things to me and I don't have problem with that, but I have problem with telling this to someone. It is really hard.

And when I think about this stuff, I feel so lonely; and I realise that I'm talking to myself like I don't have anyone to talk to, like I'm a freaking ghost. I really don't talk to much (or I talk too much) to people that I know about my feelings, about how am I going trought my life and if someone ask me: How am I doing in my life or something like that I usualy tell them that I'm god (like not the God, but like figure of his) that just ends everything.

Lonely. what word is that. In my sight that word means that you have a lot of people around you, but not people who would listen to you, who would help you. I'm sure that they would, but that's not how I feel (if you know what am I talking about). Being sure is like yeah they would, of course they would. But what I feel is, in what position whould that put them in? in what position whould that put me in. It's like magical, cursed circle.

And I don't know what to do, I'm just pretending that I'm "god".

And I'm being lonely.

Maybe that will change, maybe I will open in the future, maybe I won't be "god" anymore.

But if that happen, would I be the same person that I am? Person who can help, person who can tell everybody that everything will be ok, but not ok for me, because that is not my moment?

How would that be?

I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid to think about myself, my inside oneself. I'm afreid of that.

And I hope that you aren't.

And if you are. I would be happy to say: Oh, don't be. Open up, people are going to see you then, people are going to know you then.

But I'm sorry I just can't. Because I don't do that.