You do matter (don't forget it)!

Hi! Remember me? Well I’m still breathing hahah

Remember how I said to water your flowers, well while you’re doing that don’t forget to water yourself too. People around you are only capable of loving you and accepting you if you love and appreciate yourself.

You matter and I matter too and only that can make you likeable, lovable and acceptable.

If you ask me to introduce myself in three words I can’t do that, I have no idea who I am and what I want. I envy people with small, conservative decisions, they at least know what they want and what they will get. Well here my knowledge stops, I have no idea of what i want or who I am. I am always trying to present myself as someone who will people like, who seems like it has everything under control, meaning their life, but actually be my guest, I’m so not that.

I know I am very critical about the world and people around me, but yes while doing that I forget about myself, I usually ask myself in that position, well what if I’m the problem, what if I don’t like the certain people because they are actually better than I am. Maybe they are small minded, maybe they make stupid decisions, but still they somehow know what they want, I don’t, I don’t see myself in 10 years, I don’t. Will I have a family? Do I want one? Well I don’t know, I have no idea. What kind of person does that make me? A person with no goals? Well I like to be busy, I like doing things, I like to please people, but does that please me? I don’t know. Am I happy, or am I just making myself believe that I’m happy?

At that moment I envy animals, because they don’t have to think about that they just go with the flow, why can’t we be like that? Why do we always have to see the big picture, always look in the future and forget about the moment? Carpe diem s a big bullshit, yes I’ve said it it’s not possible to just think about the action in the moment without considering it in the future. Or maybe only I am build that way, only I think like that. Well I don’t know, but still what does life want from us? What do we have to be to fit in? Does fitting in means changing ourselves to become a piece of the puzzle to create the world?

Honestly I have no idea and why am I writing this? Because I try, I try to be polite, to be the friend that people want, but well I’m not perfect I say things that hurt, I say things that make you think, maybe that’s selfish, maybe that makes me a bad person, but why do I say them so suddenly? Why? Because maybe I have enough of being the person who is nice, perfect, good, amazing whatever. But who else am I? I don’t know. Still I am, what people want me to be, I am the best version of myself  to someone but am I the best version of myself for myself? What does that even mean haha? I don’t know?

I will say that and I don’t care what people think, but still...

Suicides nowadays maybe aren’t so complicated, maybe the question of who is responsible isn’t that important, maybe it is because the person couldn’t find itself and why should you be pretending, pushing yourself to be someone perfect, someone helpful, someone honest is you don’t know what does that mean. Maybe this victimes are like this.

13 reasons why, the series that shook the world, 13 tapes of accusing people of things that only huth themselves not really any other people and I think the only reason to make this tapes is to blame others for something that you don’t want to admit to yourself. You could have had everything, you could have been the best, but well you weren’t the person to do it. Why blame anyone for not being yourself. You only have to blame yourself because you have been given so much freedom so much different opportunities, but you just couldn’t choose, so you just end it , the easy way out. And you didn’t only do that but you blame 13 other people who just lived their lives,  maybe they don’t get it, maybe they never will, but they somehow manage to just pass it, you couldn’t, but you still blame them, shame on you, because you couldn’t have the courage to admit to yourself that only you are the reason the only one why this happened and why you let it happen.

I won’t do it, I don’t have the courage to do it, but still the things I have said, the things I have done still make me think of who I am and what I want, because I have no idea and I hope I somehow find out and when I do I will deserve someone to share my life with I hope.

It’s 4 am, I was dancing for 2 hours, then the voice hit, it could have been better if you wouldn’t have opened your mind. I stayed quiet and felt just grateful for that night that I ruined with stupid observations that would never make any difference. Well I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I want, for now I’m pleasing others and that makes me happy (does it? I guess). What I get from it, you ask? Maybe the approval? Maybe the smile, happiness that make me smile? That’s kind of nice when I think of it, it makes me happy to, but still there’s a part of that is staying unsatisfied. Why I will be asking myself till the end.

You know I don’t like people that are very direct, that don’t think and they just say it. I just hate that kind of character. But maybe they are happier cuz they just put it all on the table and they don’t have to be sorry. But still I’ll never approve of that, never because it is not polite, to anyone. Still think before you act, say what you really believe and don't hurt others if you don’t need to.

Be happy if you know where you stand and be happy if you don’t even think about it and be happy if you just go with it. I wish I could be like you, I hope that in the morning I will be or I’ll just make myself busy it usually works for me.

Create yourself and find the version of yourself that you like.

Pa3k

Don't forget to water your flowers!!!

So hi, I’m back from the dead!

It’s half three am, not sleeping, thinking, wanting to write.

You know people go on with life, old friendships fade away they become memories or not even that. I’m really afraid of that and it happened not that long ago.

Well two years ago I went to study to another city (small country, it’s like two hours away - but big deal here, because not a lot of kids leave for the secondary school) So I had this amazing group of friends the six of them, we made a pact to meet every friday for a drink. And yeah it kind of worked for like three four months but then they got busy, birthday parties this and that and the group narrowed to two me and this other friend (well the other two quarreled with the others and themselves later -_- so they didn’t come but I still met up with them)

Well for the other two I just thought that they were busy, but well this one friend that stays and come for a drink to this day told me that they hang out regularly but yeah just without me and i have no idea why (well I do cuz I always do, if I didn’t have I wouldn’t be still awake and write about it right ;) ).

Well I think because I went away they kinda alienated from me, but I don’t know why and that’s really bugging me.

I always invite them I always call they’re always busy and we had such connection two, three years ago and that just faded away from month to month.

If I see them now I think we wouldn’t have much to talk about there wouldn’t be that spontaneous feeling among us that would just bring the words out and let us have a good time.

They always told us that friendships fade away, we never believed it, but reality slaped us in the face and it hurts me, cuz I never thought that they would just throw me out.

I won’t say that i don’t have friends and that I’m totally emo now haha, because I’m not. In secondary school I got a hella lot of new friends with same interests as me and that’s amazing I love them all, but sometimes you just need someone totally opposite than you but we as it seems forgot about that. Well this one friend with whom I always have that awkward conversation of facebook (because otherwise I don’t have a chance to talk to him or see him...) you know the hello, how are you, what are you doing and brb and that’s it that’s all I get from him, three years ago we would sit together for over three hours talking laughing and now we don’t even know how to talk to each other, that’s just sad. Well he’s kind of shy he’s not pushy or that person that would bring people to himself so he’s still holding to those two friends and i think i got pushed out of that group just because I wasn’t there like all the time cuz I got away for school and that just hurts me. I know you can walk away and find new groups of people to hang out with but to just throw out the one person out cuz you don’t want to talk to him. well I don’t really see a point here and I just don’t understand it. That one friend that is still holding on she always says they just wanted three of us well then why did that include the person that lives two blocks away that you never talked to before and that ruined the night for all and you just kind of forgot about me?

I just don’t understand that really, you know seven years of friendship, conquering fears, breaking down the walls together just faded away like that, I mean really?

I’m not saying that I’m alone, because I’m not, I just really miss those moments we had together I really truly do and why do this always have to happen.

If I could have 1000 arms I would hold on to people that changed my life, made me into who I am today and taught me so many things, I would I’d take a minute a second every day to tell them that over and over again just to remind them that we had something special and that that can’t just fade away like that.

Now I’m on the summer break away from all my school friends it’s been like a month from when I saw them last and now that I’m in town I will call them all for a drink or ice cream, to just remind myself that the energy the feeling that happens between a group of people isn’t a coincidence but it’s much more and it doesn’t fade away it stays as long as you want to, you just have to want that and remember that you are not your own creation, every eye that looked at you, every breath that crossed you, every touch that moved you and every word that made you listen helped you grow an inch higher.

Without love we are machines, without feelings we are things, and without friends we are not humans!

Always remember to hold on to those who let you, and don’t forget to always remind them of their strong hand that helped you cross every rough path and every rough river to this beautiful garden full of blossoms that bloomed from your friendship.

Don't forget to water your flowers ;),

Pa3k

Fifty Shades of Sheeps: About Life, Art and Animals

Hey guys!

It's been a long time since my last post, sorry for that but I needed a good topic to talk about and today I got it and it will be hard to just stop writing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNI07egoefc

So this is a video that I watched and it made me think about a lot of things.

Let's start with my opinion as an artist about it I agree with it on some point and I disagree on the other point.

The history of art is great and grand and fat and big and full and all those things.

The meaning of modern art is very relative if you ask me, because everybody see, feel and understand things differently (like the dress lol). So modern art can be as meaningful as meaningless. Art as a term is becoming more and more commercial if you ask me, because everybody can be an »artist« nowadays, you can buy a canvas and you can buy paint for very cheap unbelievably (what is great for me, because art schools are not as cheap as the requisites are…). So we should ask ourselves ho is an artist? Everyone who can draw?

I’ll be so damn strict about this that some may get very mad and some may see what actually takes. Now let’s say you see a road sign with a human painted on it. It’s a circle and very simplify body right? Everybody can do it, everybody can replicate that shape, but very few will know why is that shape like that and this is because they’ve studied human body, muscles, gestures, movement but then they took all that knowledge and squeezed all that in that simple shape we meet every day. And modern art is like that Picassos said: “As a child I tried to be as a great masters but as an adult I tried really hard to be as a child”. And that says it all. He learned he gained all that great master’s ability and knowledge, but then he made his pieces more simplified versions to move back from the photography and show what more we can do and what imagination allows. And that clicked, we see his work we are impressed and when we think of an artist it is Picasso or Da Vinci. Artists can be as extravagant or as simple. Extravagant is and it was the idea of a sex object, but that changed A LOT! Let’s talk a little bit about the Botticelli’s The Birth of Venus, there is a full naked woman painted and there is nothing sexual about her, she is just beautiful. Now let’s take a look at Fragonard’s baroque or rococo painting The Swing, the scene is so extravagant and they are all dresses (okay we do see woman’s stockings), but the difference is that The Swing has a teasing idea of infidelity that is much more sexual then a scared naked woman standing in the seashell. Now men are men and they will forever be men no matter what and pin-up art is beautiful In my opinion but it is extravagant in it own way and it is not “appropriate” (not the fully right  word but let’s roll with it) for everyone, but The Birth of Venus and The Swing are. Sexuality meant many different things through the history.

I’ll move a bit further from that, but I’ll come back in a few sentences. So the crowd, community is impressed and even pleased with art that is meaningless, because of two things, first is the name: So if the well-known artist would exhibit, display a fully blank canvas (that happened) in a gallery, the crowd would be pleased with it, because others are and if my neighbor likes it I’ll like it too to show that I’m not “small minded”. Well you are not… the other thing are critics their opinion matters the most (our greatest poet France Prešeren said in one of his poems “Let a shoemaker judge only shoes!”)! And people fall for that even if they don’t see anything in the piece of canvas. And that’s why we are sheeps, we follow the shepherd and see what they want us to see and do what they want us to do. We make promises to ourselves that we don’t keep, we say things that we don’t mean and we are turning into robots with no emotions. We are weak we believe that there is someone who can saves us, well if you believe that you’ll wait forever. We became barbaric we became obsessed with commercial and totally forgot about beauty and art. So what are we looking at nowadays? As I’ve said sex has always been shown in art, because people fell for that and we still do, but how? I’ll tell you what I saw this past week. We went to the exhibition of graduates of graphic design and illustration I was mad and it really opened my eyes. Before I tell you about that I have to mention what one of the professors said to us once: “Graphic design has to be the love, not a constraint and money should not win over the meaning, don’t ever do something that you don’t feel.” And with that I started to think about all those commercials that are appearing on the internet about everything, someone had to make them, but the meaning of them is pointless, but the designers got paid for it and they just didn’t care, and that’s wrong when you see a sign this is made in that country, this comes from there blah, blah those lies were design by someone and they got paid for it… So at the exhibition we saw some beautiful, great done designs of books, newspaper illustration, text design, but there was something from the female artist that caught  everyone’s eye, because it was so extravagant. Before us there were little kids maybe 10 years old on that exhibition and the theme weren’t for them it was too “extravagant” they would say, but no it wasn’t it was just commercial and cheap. I must say that the artist is a big feminist herself, but what I saw was something that made me angry and disgusting. It was fifty shades of tied naked women with no faces that 10 year-olds were looking at and there was the whole wall with newspaper illustrations with exposed parts.

When I was little and I just learn how to read (poorly but I was proud of myself) I took the nearest newspaper and told my dad: “I’ll read something to you” And I opened the magazine and I remember it was written with those big fat latters (I believe is was Helvetica or something very similar if you want to know) and it spoke to me, because it had so much power on those two pages to I started reading “Today you’ll enjoy sex with your partner as never before” when I read it my face was red I was embarrassed and I stood up and left the kitchen. You may think yeah okay what do you want to say? I want to say that vulgarity is becoming too commercial because there is nothing more left to say about things to we took taboos and we exposed them on much vulgarized way. But why? One of many illustrations said “Treat me like your leather” and you say that you are a feminist, please for what are you fighting for? For dominative men and tied up women, that wants to be treated as a leather and we are cheering to that because it’s so extravagant and scandalous, well how did we come from the beautiful Venus to tied up bitch that doesn’t have a face. Vulgarity is this year’s black or grey should I say, we are all obsessed with it, but how does this speak to the younger audience? We don’t ask yourselves that until the money stops flowing and suddenly everything is not that fun when everybody is naked and sexual and vulgar suddenly we see that frightened face of newborn Venus that is telling us that love is more than sex, nudity, love is about passion, affection and complimenting each other and that of course contains making love but on so nonbarbaric way that is almost divinely. Of course I’m saying all that in superlative way, but still there is more to art than sex and vulgarity there is beauty that we’ve hid and made people from persons to objects and that loses a meaning of modern art that is too commercial and less beautiful if I may say that. Now everything is cute, but so little can be called beautiful, can we bring that back.

And in that video there are many things that I don’t agree on. Modern art should wake emotions inside of you what expressionism started and moved away from reality and closer to thought, dreams and feelings and modern art should do just that. The only question is: Do you feel it or do you just see it?

From the one black dot on the canvas to many splashes of colors dropped on a canvas. It is not about what you see it’s about what you feel. Art speaks to us more than just physically, it speaks to us emotionally and that’s why we like it and why it should stay in galleries

Have a nice day!
Pa3k

Dreams

Hey guys!

Wow it's been a long time since I sat down and write something for you and for me. So it's already 2015...crazy. I wish you all a happy, successful year! You are amazing and your year will be awesome!

So today I want to talk about DREAMS. We humen we are wow crazy, we know so much, but it's all hidden. Yes we do forget things but in the back of our heads there is so much information that you couldn’t imagine (well I’m not a scientist or anything, but that obvious right?).

So Cinderella said “A dream is a wish, your heart makes...” and now that I’m thinking about it, it is kind of true. A dream is a thought that you need to remember but you don’t. I wish i was writing a dream journal or how do they call it, because I think that you could really find the missing pieces of the puzzle, or maybe just find out more about you. It’s so creepy when you think of that, but I think that it is kind of important to try to remember your dreams and try to connect them with your everyday life, because sooner or later it will turn out good!

Like that will be a totally banal example, but once upon a time...hahah just kidding a while ago I forgot my PIN code for my bank card, well I never actually knew it :/, but it was written in my phone, and I somehow lost it, I thought that I delete it or something when i was “cleaning” my phone... and for a moment I was devastated...then I forgot about, because I didn’t need it, but then you wouldn’t believe it, I dreamed about it! Though I was told that in the dreams you can’t read (I’ll get to that later), but I saw those numbers written on a paper in the dreams. When I woke up I didn’t think about it that much, I guess i didn’t remember it, but while we were eating that scene just popped in my head, those numbers. And I was like: “Wait, could that be... nah ah I don’t believe it...” and I didn’t think about it. It wasn’t until the week before New Year’s eve, when I was searching through my phone, trying to find some verses I wrote last year as New Year’s wishes, that I found the PIN code and it was the same combination that I dreamed about! Crazy! I was blown away really.

So like two days later we went to visit a very good friend and the talk led us to dreams. So she said that many times she could realised that she is actually dreaming in the dream. That never happened to me and I hope that it will some day. So she was saying that she tried to read a book and she couldn’t in some ways she couldn’t read or the words didn’t make any sense. She also told us that in the dream it may appear that you have more or less than 5 fingers on your hands or toes on feet. That’s just crazy. So I don’t know if that really means anything, but I just read that if dream is in black and white it may be, because it is like a warning or some kind, if the dreams are in vibrant colors they should be good dreams. So I’m thinking about how it feels when you know you are dreaming. I hope you understand that I’m usually being personal in my posts so excuse me for saying, but I do believe in god and in heaven and in soul, what I’m trying to say is, that our subconscious (wow that’s a hard word to spell...) is our soul and when we are sleeping our soul somehow disconnect with our body and could visit another galaxies, I know that sounds crazy but heaven knows what can we do outside our bodies.

So that friend she also talked about her father and how he could know that he is dreaming and he could control his dreams and he could go anywhere he’d like. Now i can’t really imagine how would that look like because then you wouldn’t want to wake up. What if that is the future, that we could actually live in our dreams. In my point of view that could kill you I mean, you could fall into a trance and never wake up, that can lead to not eating at least physically and would be just crazy creepy but still wonderful we could live anywhere we could do anything. A dream maybe is a different galaxy that our spirit lives, and we have that connection or maybe, that there are two of us, you and a “dream you” and when you are sleeping you are in the world of a “dream you” and when you are awake a “dream you” is dreaming your world. It’s sounds extremely crazy, but maybe there actually is no physical world and we are just ideas that are created through dreams that are flowing somewhere in the galaxy or maybe like Avatar, our body is connected to the machine that creates a world around you, but you are actually laying still and you don’t realise that.

That is truly creepy, I’m freaking myself up by saying those things, but wow. maybe those thoughts that I have now are the program bugs that want’s to let us know that this isn’t true.

Well I hope you are not freaked out too much, I don’t really think that this is true, but I think there is something more to this life than just living, that just can’t be a full circle and then you live life in peace in heaven? I can’t imagine that how does the peace look like? how does it feel? But I have to believe in it, because there sure is something, we are more than just physical beings, the world is something more than just that, but what? we will never know well until we close our eyes for the last time.

Now that I wrote this I will be thinking about it for days and it will be hard for me to fall asleep, because this thoughts will haunt me for a long time.

I know you are a bit shy, but please comment below if you ever realised you are dreaming and how do you wake up how is that possible? Please if you are not shy please let me know

P.S. Of course, a big thanks goes to Google Drive that is helping me spell those crazy english words (I'm not good at that). And I'm adding this illustration I've painted don't to freak you out even more

Be well! I’ll write soon!

The Magical World Of Beatrix Potter

Hey guys!!!

Today's topic: A writer! Which one? One and only Beatrix Potter, no not Harry Potter, tho there are some similarities between them, like they are both british and they are both magical!

So Beatrix Potter was born in London on 28th of July 1866. She grew up as a "proper" victorian lady, but she knew she will never be that!
So she and her mother never understood each other, her mother was more of a "lady" than she was, if I may say that! Beatrix was always adventurous, she liked to get dirty sometimes in the garden she liked to explore the woods and she LOVED animals! She was a true Scottish soul! But she could do that in London :/
She, her brother Bertram, mother, father and all the servants went to the most beautiful place in England, no not the Buckingham palace, but to Lake District in Cambria in every late spring. Children Beatrix and Bertram had a lot of work there, they went into the woods, they were chasing the animals, but that wasn't enough for the little Beatrix she wanted to remember every moment, every view, so as her father once did, Beatrix started to sketch, draw and paint! And she was very good! Of course that wasn't proper to go out and paint so her mother wasn't very excited about that, but her father was happy to see her daughter paint and draw, so he arranged painting lessons for her. But she wasn't that much into a still life or even oil paintings, of course she had to paint that for her learning, but that wasn't her favourite thing to do, she and her brother had a lot of animals, and that wasn't really common for children to have, but they had them, birds, mises, hedgehogs, even a bat onces. She named them all, and she really liked to draw them! That was her true passion! And every night before she and her brother went to sleep, she told a story about one of the animals, they had. You wouldn't believe what kind of stories that were, the imagination she had!
On year in Lake District where they were staying she met a friend, farmers son if I'm right (what of course wasn't that proper for a young girl), but he showed her around the farm and met her woth the animals they had on a farm. There was that duck, that didn't lay eggs, she was very strange, but sweet at the same time, and it wasn't that we didn't lay them it was that she didn't lay them there, she liked to wonder around the farm and she made her nest on the meadow. They thought it was because of other ducks or maybe other animals that ate her eggs and that stayed in Beatrix's mind.
When she was cca. 20 years old, she was lonely, her brother wasn't there and she didn't like to hang woth other women, so her old guverness Miss Carter that became Mrs Moore had four kids, and Beatrix liked to visit them and let them play with her rabbit that she named Peter. They became really good friends! She was telling them stories about Peter rabbit and other animals, but when she couldn't visit them she wrote to them and her stories were now on papers and children could enjoy them! In 1893 she wrote to little Neal that was ill most of the times, so she liked so cheer him up with writting latters and the most famouse story that she wrote The Tale Of Peter Rabbit, was first written for the little ill Neal.

Then she knew that children don't like the tales that are written in those old books with heavy typography and no pictures/ illustrations in it, so she started to write tales from the animals she studied and the stories that she heard from people in Lake District, but when it came to publishing her books there was a problem, companies didn't publish that much of children books, because there wasn't that much interest of buying them, so she was unseccessful and she got rejected a lot, until she came to Frederick Warne & Co. Well at first they of course didn't want to help her, until older brothers remembered that a younger sibling wants to work in the comapny too, so why not give him this failier and let him see, that the work is not as easy as it seems. So mr. Norman Warne (the younger brother) came into the picture, he was very excited about the project and he loved the work, the art of Beatrix Potter, so he published her "little" book, that soon became the best seller, so he asked if she had any other stories and this is how it begun the beautiful collaboration between an author and a publisher, that turned soon into love :) (butterflies!!!) Her mother wasn't up for it, cuz he wasn't rich and he wasn't very suitable, but Beatrix became a well known author and she had her own money. But...(everyone hates this but!) Norman got very ill and soon, he was gone. Beatrix was devastated, she couldn't look at London with the same eyes, now it was the darkest place on earth full of disappointment, sadness and madness, she had to leave! So she packed her things leave her mother and father behind and went to start over in Lake District in the velley called Near Sawrey! While she was looking for a great cottage that she could live in, she met her old friend from the farm in the childhood again Mr. William Heelis! Norman's sister Millie visited her several times, to help her get over the death of her fiance. She thought she will never work again, but there she found her peace and inspiration! Pigs, cats, ducks, foxes, birds were all around her and the stories went on and on and on, until all kids from around England and soon the world knew her, even her mother was proud! Soon she got very close with an old friend Mr. William Heelis and she married him in 1913.
All her propery she left to the country, so it could be saved - reserved for future generations, like her stories in a kid's head! It's still the same as it was when she walked around it, when she went out to paint or get an idea for a new story!

She is now one of the most popular and beloved authors for kids, her stories are not just beautiful, charming and magical, but are very educational for the children as for adultes!

BTW there is a film about her called Miss Potter! It is just beautiful for kids and parents! If you haven't seen it go and get it!!! The role of Beatrix Potter is played by the wonderful and always charming Renee Zellweger

Hope I didn't mess up any of the biography if I did really sorry for that you learned something new and if you find yourself anywhere near the bookshop or a library go get one of her books and you'll se what am I talking about!

And if you have your favourite tale of her's you can share it down in the comments! Mine is
The Tale of Pigling Bland

Talking!

Hey guys!

I hope you don't hate ma cuz I didn't wrote for a long time, but I just don't want to repeat myself over and over again and I don't know if I ever wrote about this before, but yeah it's 3 am, still up, deep thoughts are coming to me and I don't want to lose them so I'll share them.
And this will sound desperate or maybe corny, but I hope that you get something out of these posts and I hope you enjoy them :D

So lately I opened myself to a little bit of psychiatry, well it wasn't anything big hahaah, but I really enjoyed talking and finding solutions with a person that I was talking to. I hope she won't be mad or anything that I'm writing this, but I just have to.
And she is "unfortunately" going to the psychiatrist. And I don't know if you from US, think that's pretty common, but here in Slovenia that is a bit taboo (but now it's like very cool thing, but people with real issues don't want to talk about it, but with a bottle of vine, people talk ;) sorry!)
But she talked a bit about the meetings and the way that they are talking (I know that there is a word for that, but it's there on my tongue and it doesn't want to come out, trust me I tried), so I really liked, how the psyhiatrist is really trying to get her to find the solutions and her problem is that she doesn't want to listen, she just talks and feel miserable about her life.

Ok, here I think I'll start talking about the thing that I want to talk about. So first of all, it's really important to talk to yourself (sounds creepy and totally useless cuz you're doing it but...), but not those regular stuff, but get deep with yourself, talk about yourself ask why, ask what is the real problem.

People are obsessed with love, now I understand why the parents married their's kids in the history, so they wouldn't get over excited about love and then totally break because of that, I mean if someone you don't really love is screwing someone else that won't brake you that much to have all of these "mean thoughts" (please god you were put here for a reason! Why was it you? find that!!!) ( *about the history tragedy* ok, that's not totally true that happened, cuz you have to live with that person and you don't have a choice, but to "love" them/ really deeply care about them), so what I mean to say is, that they wanted to protect kids from love :/
(wow! I feel like I'm the devil or something like that LOVE IS BAD!! NEVER FALL IN LOVE!! XD) I totally don't want to say that, I want to say that you have to look for the right person, not just someone who would stick their tongue in your throat and look at you very lovely, but then never call, but smeone, with who you don't have to do all of this stuff to know that he/she is the right one.

Enough about love, cuz I'm not an expert and some people will really hate this part, but what can I do...
So back to tha talking. Two things! First if you are quiet, you are not doing anything, well you are, you're pushing the pain in the back of your mind, and when the good thoughts will be gone, the bad ones will chasing you back, you have to face with the pain and problems! And I KNOW that this is the hardest thing to do, but if you can face with those thoughts you're already a winner! Now, up there we were talking about talking to yourself, now that won't work for everyone, but it can't do you bad. Before you go to sleep (like me, that's why I'm still up now writing this), before you close your eyes, look in the dark and just think for a moment, thoughts will come, don't worrym, when you have them just talk about them (BTW my best song is now on radio XD maybe this post will get any cheerful) and you'll see that when you start talking about what a miserable person you are, you will realise that you can fix all of that with the simplest things, it really amazing! I found them so can you!
But, if this is not working very well, you have this one friend who won't judge you, talk to them, but tell them that you just want them to listen and that you want to help youself and if you see, that this is not working maybe together you can find a solution (I always forget that word... -_-).
I totally believe that in school you didn't understand the thing until you started to talk about it! You know your answers, you just have to let them out and if you're quiet, you're not doing anything, just making it way worse.

Solutions are like bubbles, if you don't blow them them won't happen/appear, so get you stuff together and remeber all you need is to talk, to open those secret mouth of yours and let it out. JUST LET IT GO, LET IT GO, YOU CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE! RIGHT?

+ To this friend of mine I gave three metaphors and of course I'll share them (and they are from my imagination :D )

1. So the man is riding the camel and they are traveling through Sahara and they are almost there, almost and the camel dies because she didn't have enough water to drink. What will the men do? will he die aside her?
Will he give up? NO! he will go and save himself he will run cuz he believes in himself!
AND I WANT YOU ALL TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!

2. The miner in very cose to find these special diamonds, he is so excited and he is digging and digging with his pickaxe, but he is digging so hard that hid pickaxe breaks, he taked out those sensors for diamonds and he sees that he is alomst there. But he don't have a pickaxe will ge give up? I don't think so he'll dig with his little hands like a crazy dog, cuz he really wants them and he won't what? He won't GIVE UP! NEVER GIVE UP, ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR GOALS AND WHY DO YOU WANT TO ACHEVE THEM!

3. Ok you have your watch (antique one) and it breakes, so you take the other watch (different model) and you try to get the clock wheel form that watch to work in your antique watch, but it won't work, cuz the clock wheel doesn't fit. SO IF YOU TRY TO FILL A SPECIFIC PLACE IN YOUR HEART WITH SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T BELONG THERE IT WON'T WORK! YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST SO YOU CAN LOVE ANYONE ELSE!

PHRASE FROM DAEE DAYS WITH SIERRA BOGGESS: "YOU ARE ENOUGH, YOU ARE SO ENOUGH, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE HOW ENOUGH YOU ARE!"

P.S. you get this creepy painting of mine (I was learning on illustrator- don't judge)

and if you want you can help me with topics to wrote about :)

Have a nice day everyone!

pa3k :D

Tea Forever For Me!

I have nothing big to talk about, just want to show you something!
When I heard that Lady Gaga have the song called Tea, I was wondering about what could it be (uuuu a rhym ;) ) If I can't hear her's I'll write my version, my idea of it and I opened a Word doc and typed the name Tea. Then I had no words...It was a blank canvas looking at me and I have no colours to create something of it. And i was so devastated that I saved that file with just a name Tea. It was hanging there among my files and one night (of course it was night cuz I'm a night owl and yeah then I have inspiration) and I got this idea of The A Team from Ed Sheran but still nothing tangible and I wrote the first verse among other very bad lines and it was she's my tea. Now why is she my tea? how can person be like a tea? Cuz she's that hot? cuz she tastes that good? cuz she smells that good? I was left again with those thoughts and I left it standing stearing at me. And I couldn't imagine ;), but I was drinking tea when I realise that she is like a tea, because I couldn't live without her. The first stanza (what a word!) was written it was sweet and lovely, but if you read my stuff I always like to fall a bit into dark upppsss I'm sorry. But it has a happy ending! yay me!!! And of course love, love, love, I want your love!

Tea

Everytime I see you on the floor,

Everytime you close another open door.

I start to wonder if it's true,

But I believe it is just you,

Nothing can dry your tears,

Nothing can turn back the years,

But when you are with me,

Smile and be free

                                         

You are like a tea,

Warm, good for me,

You are like a tea,

Running free.

And with every look I can see through your eyes,

And with every touch the cold inside of me dies,

And whenever she's with me!

She's my tea!

Now that we are apart we are blind,

I try to focus but only you're in my mind,

I'm feeling cold when I'm alone,

I feel bear as a broken bone,

Leave me alone in tears,

I'm lost in all heaven sfears,

But when you were with me,

I was happy, I could see

You are like a tea,

Warm, good for me,

You are like a tea,

Running free.

And with every look I can see through your eyes,

And with every touch the cold inside of me dies.

And whenever she's with me!

She's my tea!

I have to stand up and remember,

It's snowing and it's cold out in december,

I want to smell fresh tea leaves,

I need love for my heart that grieves,

When I feel that cold breeze,

When the phone rings, it's you please!

But when I hear your voice,

I have a second choice!

You are like a tea,

Warm good for me,

You are like a tea,

Running free.

And with every look I can see through your eyes,

And with every touch the cold inside of me dies.

And whenever she's with me!

She's my tea!

So hope you liked that! :) It's a bit wintery, but I don't care I don't live in time, but in imagination so I don't care! :D